How to overcome insecurity in a relationship

In this article, I will teach you how to overcome insecurity in your relationship, how to handle conflicts and what insecure behaviours you should avoid in order to build a strong and healthy relationship.

Most insecurities in relationships are caused by false expectations in love. People who are insecure in love live in a constant fear and anxiety and have little time to enjoy the relationship. Feeling insecure is a sure way to lose control of your relationship.


Understanding insecurity in love

‘’Relationships fail when people take their own insecurities and project them as their partner’s flaws.’’ – Steve Maraboli

Insecurity can negatively impact different aspects of your life, including your relationship. Insecurity is determined mostly by your past experiences and very rarely by your present relationship.

The reason you might feel insecure can be directly linked to your childhood. The lack of positive feedback from your primarily care givers can directly impact your self-worth throughout your life.

Another reason for your insecurity could be found in your past relationships. If you were hurt and disappointed in the past, you might have built a wall in order to protect yourself from re-living those painful feelings.

Being insecure in love can manifest in different ways. You might develop a fear of intimacy and closeness to someone or you might be overly-attached to your partner and develop a fear of being alone. Learn how to overcome the fear of being alone and how to overcome the fear of intimacy here.

Most of the insecurities in relationships are a result of your own intuition. However, even when you know your partner very well, your intuition can be wrong.

Discussing the reasons you feel insecure with your partner and asking their opinion about the subject before you draw your own conclusions can be liberating and extremely beneficial for your relationship.

Most of the problems in your relationship are caused by your past experiences. If you haven’t healed yourself completely of your past wounds, you will bring them with you in your relationship.

It is important to differentiate and avoid projecting another person into your partner. Focus on the present, not the past.

However, it is beneficial to heal your past wounds. Practicing meditation will help you better understand your feelings and emotions and become aware of past experiences that keep you for enjoying the present to the fullest.

When emotions are high and anxiety and anger take over your mind, it is important to remove yourself from the situation and give yourself some time to think before you react. This way, you can avoid hurting your partner and also being hurt. Discuss the subject once you are both calm and ready to hear each other out.


Are you insecure in love?

‘’ As your insecurity becomes nourished our relationship becomes poisoned.’’- Dr. Steve Maraboli

You are insecure in your relationship if:

  • you are constantly worrying about how your partner is feeling about you
  • you are constantly checking if they have a positive or negative reaction towards you
  • you constantly ask them how they feel about you
  • you worry they love you less than you love them
  • you suspect them of cheating or lying to you even though they haven’t given you any reason to do so
  • you worry they will find someone more attractive than you
  • you constantly check their social media

The more you worry about these things, the more insecure and anxious you become. And when this happens, you start engaging in jealous and insecure behaviour that make you feel out of control.


Mistakes to avoid in relationships

‘’ There is no external solution to the problem of insecurity.’’- Stefan Molyneux

  • Don’t judge your current relationship based on your previous relationships. Your new partner should not pay for the deeds of your previous partners.
  • Don’t confuse imagination with reality. When people are insecure, they start reading into everything and over-analysing every situation. Learn how to communicate your fears with your partner and don’t let your imagination damage your relationship.
  • Don’t focus on the negative. Instead, think of all the positive things you can bring to the relationship. Allocate yourself time to engage in activities and hobbies you enjoy. The happier you feel about yourself, the less insecure you will be in the relationship. Learn more about self-confidence and relationships here.
  • Don’t let your fear of being less stop you for being more. Focus on being grateful for everything you have in your life. This will help you manage your insecurities and have a positive attitude about your relationship.
  • Don’t let other people bring you down. Don’t keep people in your life that make you question yourself. If your friends or family contribute to your low self-esteem, it’s time to reconsider the relationship you have with them.


How to overcome insecurity

It is important to understand that the person you are insecure about is you, not your partner. Deep down you feel insecure about your own worth and project this into your partner.

Working on yourself will positively impact your relationship and the way you feel about your partner. Eliminating your insecurities will help you feel more secure in the relationship.

The following behaviours will help you overcome insecurity and improve your relationship:

  • Put yourself in a position to let your qualities shine. When you are feeling insecure, you tend to forget the things you are good at. By focusing on these things, you can rediscover and transform yourself.
  • Stretch your comfort zone and challenge yourself. In order to overcome insecurity, you need to set goals and plan ahead. Make sure you put yourself in a position to reach your goals.
  • Identify and challenge your critical inner voice. Understand that your inner critic is not your reality, but only a collection of destructive experiences and opinions of others.
  • Challenge and disapprove your critical beliefs by writing them down and write all the evidence you have to hold the beliefs and all the evidence against them. Then make a commitment to challenge and change these beliefs every day by reading all the evidence against them.
  • Try to control your impulses and don’t act when you feel insecure. Give yourself some time to reconsider the way you feel before you act.
  • Don’t seek for reassurance. Looking for reassurance when you feel insecure only leads to more insecurity.

All it takes to challenge insecurity is conscious effort in getting a new perspective towards yourself and your relationship. When you learn to silence your inner critic and build your self-worth, your relationship will improve and you will become less and less insecure about your partner and your relationship.



Final thoughts

I hope this article helped you understand insecurity, how to manage conflicts and what mistakes you should avoid in your relationship. Most importantly, by applying the advice shared in this article I hope you will overcome insecurity and improve your relationship.

If you have any questions, feel free to leave them below and I will be more than happy to answer them.

All the best,


  (Accredited Counsellors, Coaches, Psychotherapists and Hypnotherapists)

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18 thoughts on “How to overcome insecurity in a relationship”

  1. This is an excellent article. I love the tips you share here. My inner critic tends to be harsh with me and I often need to silence her. I am sometimes too hard on myself for past mistakes, and I need to learn to let go and forgive myself.
    I often see others projecting past experiences into their relationships. It has happened to me when someone I was dating was treating me based on his experience with his ex. I told him that I was not his ex, I was not a part of his past, and whatever she did was not my doing or my problem, so I should not have to pay for it. Few seem to understand that … unfortunately. A lot of people should read this article!

    • Hi Christine,

      Thank you for your comment. It is very common for people to project past experiences on the current partner and unfortunately it creates a lot of problems in their relationship. It is important that you recognised the projection and voiced your concern.

      All the best,

  2. Hi There and thanks so much for this really helpful article.
    A friend of mine feels very insecure in her relationship due to being cheated on in the past. It really has a very negative impact on her life as she is very untrusting. This often causes relationships to break down.
    I’ll forward her your article

    • Hi Marketa,

      Thank you for your comment. I am happy to see you have found the information in this article beneficial for your friend and forwarded the article. I hope it will help her understand and challenge her insecurity and build healthier relationships.

      All the best,

  3. This is an amazing article. I was once a victim of insecurity and it really caused me a lot. I Wish I come across an article like this by then. But all is well now.

    Thank you this great article.
    I love it.

    Slalom 🤝

    • Hi Albright,

      Thank you for your comment. I am happy to see that you enjoyed reading my article. Please share it with friends and family that might need advice on overcoming insecurity in relationships.

      All the best,

  4. Excellent insight Ioana, thank you. This article has helped me better understand insecurity in relationships and the causes for it.

    All the best,

    • Hi Ryan,

      Thank you for your comment. I am happy to see that my article helped you better understand insecurity in relationships and what is the cause for it. Hope to see you back here soon.

      Kind regards,

  5. Hi Ioana,

    A very poignant, yet informative read.

    I’m sure we’ve all goine through insecurities in a relationship at one time or another, and I believe you’ve hit the nail on the head by stating that we are actually insecure about ourselves and not our partner.

    In fact, I absolutely love the first Steve Maraboli quote, “Relationships fail when people take their own insecurities and project them as their partner’s flaws” – that is insecurity in a nutshell.

    Some great tips about overcoming insecurities, especially about not seeking reassurance. I think this is a trap that many people fall into and if you don’t receive the reassurance you were hoping for, well you’re just going to feel 100x worse.

    Thanks again for a great read.


    • Hi Partha,

      Thank you very much for your comment. I am happy you enjoyed reading my article and found the advice useful. Hope to see you back here soon.

      Kind regards,

  6. Wow, what an amazing piece of advice you have offered in this highly interesting article of yours” It almost felt like those online coach who offers this level of advice but in return of a lot of money. You have given highly useful advice on how to overcome insecurity in a relationship.

    It’s so true how our insecurities manifest in our childhood and grow with us into adulthood and then start to reflect in our relationships. Then, you wonder and blame your other half for causing you pain. But it’s not them, it’s you! Nothing is going to change unless you change.

    I loved reading this article. Please keep sharing your amazing work with us.

    • Hi Habib,

      Thank you very much for your comment. I am happy to see that you enjoyed reading my article and find the tips extremely beneficial and useful for those who are insecure in their relationship. I hope to see you back here soon.

      Kind regards,

  7. This is such great advice, I have seen this for myself with my sister and her previous relationship and it is happening all over again, it is like she self destructs but cannot see it for herself.
    She sees her partners as the problem not herself, she cannot trust anybody and looses everyone good in her life because of this. She really needs to read this, you explain it so beautifully.

    Thank you very much for this amazing article.

    • Hi Amy,

      Thank you for your comment. Please forward this article to your sister and see what she thinks about it. You can also explain to her your concerns and help her seek advice if needed. Many people don’t know they have a problem until someone points it out for them.

      All the best,

  8. Hi Ioana,

    Insecurities are a major red flag. Whilst people should take your thoughtful article and use it to improve their relationships, it’s worth saying the people with insecurities have issues that go beyond the cause of the argument. Sometimes it is best to just walk away.

    • Hi Alireza,

      Thank you for your comment. It is true, insecurities are a major problem in any relationship. However, this article helps people who are dealing with insecurity to recognise, understand and overcome it. Having a supportive partner that understands the process and is willing to help them is very important. But not many people are willing to do this and as you mentioned, they choose to walk away.

      All the best,

  9. Hi Ioana,

    This is a great article on how to not only recognize but fix insecurity in relationships. I am curious what your take is on Polyamorous relationships and how trust and security function in those types of relationships in regards to managing trust and insecurities. Or is this more geared towards monogamous relationships?

    • Hi Dev,

      Thank you for your comment. The article is mainly concerned with monogamous relationships and establishing trust in such a relationship. Polyamory is a more complicated subject and I have no expertise or conducted any research in this area so far. 

      Kind regards,



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