In this article I will explain what is psychological manipulation, how psychological manipulators act in relationships and I will show you the 5 signs that will help you determine if you are in an emotionally manipulative relationship. I will also teach you how to deal with psychological manipulators and how to avoid being emotionally manipulated.
The psychological manipulator aims to change the behavioral attitude or perception of another through mental distortion and emotional exploitation. They utilize human psychology to their advantage.
They twist your thoughts, actions and desires into something that suits their needs. The manipulator deliberately creates a power balance situation and uses that to exploit the victim for their own benefit.
Unconsciously, most people use manipulation to some extent. However, chronic manipulators are aware of these techniques and they use them as a tool to be in control of the relationship.
Understanding psychological manipulation
“Emotional abuse is any type of abuse that is not physical in nature. It can include everything from verbal abuse to the silent treatment, domination to subtle manipulation.”- Beverly Engel
Manipulation is a learned behavior and it usually starts in childhood when children observe one of their parents using manipulative techniques to control the other.
They learn early in life that they can obtain the outcome they want by playing these mind games. These individuals are usually very competitive and they take life as a game.
In their opinion, in a relationship, one partner has to be in control, while the other is there to please them.
They don’t compromise and are not willing to accept their own faults and mistakes. They don’t look in life for what is fair, but for who is right.
They exploit your wounds and your vulnerabilities in order to get what they want. They are self-entitled and they believe that they deserve to get what they want regardless of how you feel.
Manipulative people usually look for co-dependents and people pleasers as partners because they don’t have a strong self-identity or self-love.
Their victims are easy to be controlled and over-powered. Having no boundaries and standards in their life, they become easily manipulated into pleasing their partner.
How psychological manipulators act in relationships
“There are many types of emotional abuse but most is done in an attempt to control or subjugate another person. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self, trust in her perceptions and self-concept.”- Beverly Engel
- They act as if they are the victim. They use personal or health issues to gain sympathy and favors. They never apologize for their mistakes as they are not willing to take responsibility for their own mistakes.
- They blame you for their own personal problems. They target your emotional weaknesses and vulnerabilities and use them against you to coerce you into ceding into their unreasonable demands or requests.
- They use physical pain in order to avoid doing certain things, but as soon as the activity is pleasurable, they suddenly feel better.
- They make you feel insecure. They talk about your life style, work or personal habits in a way that makes you doubt yourself. They usually exploit things that you are already insecure about.
- They dismiss, ridicule and marginalize you in order to maintain superiority over you. They make you feel that you can never be good enough. They focus on your negative traits and never provide any positive feedback
- They constantly make you prove yourself. They are demanding and selfish and they expect you to leave everything behind to please them.
- They use gaslighting (manipulative technique to make you doubt your own sanity). They will pretend they didn’t say something or didn’t act in a certain way and make you doubt your memory.
- They joke in order to hurt you and if you get offended they accuse you of being too sensitive.
- They treat you extremely nice when others are around to keep up appearances. However, when no one else is around, they reveal their true self. This technique is used to make it harder for you to get help from your loved ones and make you look like the crazy one.
- They buy you nice gifts and give you compliments only to make you feel guilty if you don’t repay the favor.
- They guilt trip you by doing a lot of nice things for you so they can use them against you in future when they need you to do something for them.
- They will minimize your problems and talk about their problems instead as they want to always be in the centre of attention.
- They display their calm and collected behavior when you get angry and frustrated so they can make you feel you are overreacting. They look superior over you as it makes you look like you are being dramatic. They sometimes refuse to talk with you until you ‘’sorted your emotions out’’.
- They threaten to harm themselves if you are leaving them or they actually harm themselves after you broke up to make you return to them out of obligation.
- They threaten that they would harm you or that they would take something away from you if you don’t do as they please.
5 Signs you are in a manipulative relationship
“Controllers, abusers, and manipulative people don’t question themselves. They don’t ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else.”- Darlene Ouimet
- You feel responsible for your partner’s happiness
- You feel guilty for having your own desires, needs or hobbies
- You can’t speak freely about your relationship with your partner
- You are micro-managed
- Your partner decides everything for both of you, you opinion doesn’t matter for them
How to deal with manipulative people
”The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem.”- Drs. Cloud and Townsend
- Stop the victimhood. Explain them that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and that you are not willing to play their game.
- When they try to minimize your problems, take their power away by accepting their problems, but focus on talking about yours and explaining that you consider your problems as important as theirs.
- Stand your grounds. Challenge and tell them you disagree with their opinion even if you are scared of the consequences.
- If they play the perfection game, let them know that they have their own flaws too as no one is perfect. Accept your flaws and let you partner know they cannot use them against you.
- Know what you want and don’t let flirtatious attitude or charm be used as a weapon to manipulate you (if their victimization or blaming games fail they will try to seduce you in order to get their way).
How to avoid being emotionally manipulated
”Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”- Mahatma Gandhi
1. Get to know what you want and how you feel.
2. Stand your ground even if it feels uncomfortable or scary.
3. Be prepared for backlash and maintain your ground regardless of your partner’s reaction.
I hope this article helped you understand and identify if you are in a relationship with a psychological manipulator and taught you how to deal with them and avoid being emotionally manipulated.
If you have any questions, feel free to leave them below and I will be more than happy to answer them.
All the best,
(Accredited Counsellors, Coaches, Psychotherapists and Hypnotherapists)
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